Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Christ Nail Cup - 1st Round News
Chef Own Goal Provides Only Shock
Report by Austin Allegro
The only other non-league side to make it through to round two were the Popsters. James Morrison, Louise Nurding and Darius Danesh scored a goal each to see off Canvas City 3-0. Hollywood Town put their poor league form behind them to record the biggest win of the round. Romano, Barrymore, Depp, Damon and Washington all scored in a 5-1 victory over the Famous Belgians. The influential Adam Sandler picked up an injury after a bad tackle from Eddy Merckx and could be out for a couple of games.
The Sporting Anchors rode their luck against the Sausage Jockeys but came through with a last-gasp injury time goal from Jeff Stelling. Unbelievably, Ray Stubbs, the Anchors keeper, opened the scoring when his goal kick from the edge of his own area carried on the wind before bouncing over an unsuspecting George Michael in goal. The home fans jeered at the former Wham! star for the rest of the match. Will Young pulled the Jockeys back in to it with a headed goal just after half time but Sky presenter Stelling grabbed the late late winner five minutes in to injury time with a scuffed shotl in a goalmouth scramble.
The most incident packed game was between FC Totalitarian and the Indie Kings. German dictator Adolf Hitler scored early on to put the Totalitarians in command. General Pinochet was booked on the half hour mark after his elbow caught Morriss
ey in the eye. This seemed to spark a war of attrition between the two sides and just before half time Bernard 'Barney' Sumner (pictured, left) launched a two-footed tackle on former Philippine president, Ferdinand Marcos. Marcos' leg was shattered in two places and the referee had no option but to dismiss the New Order front man. Marcos will be out for the rest of the season and the best part of next according to the latest reports. The half time break did little to calm down the two sets of players but Chairman Mao added a second against the ten-man Kings. Just 14 minutes later he was also to leave the field on a stretcher after Matt Bellamy went in high on the former Chinese leader. Later, Fidel Castro was lucky not be sent off when he got involved with Indie hard man Mark E Smith. Smith appeared to take a fall (if you pardon the pun) after Castro laid a hand on his head but the referee gave the Cuban the benefit of the doubt.
Report by Austin Allegro
In a round of very few shock results it took an own goal by Yorkshire chef, James Martin, to give the underdogs a rare victory. The England Gaffers are a newly formed club with limited resources. They are made up of the 15 past England managers and the current national squad coach, Fabio Capello. But what they lack in numbers they made up with a true bulldog spirit to thwart one of the Fictionball in-form teams, the Pancake Tossers. Chances were few and far between and there were no shots on goal to worry either Winterbottom or Worrall Thompson between the sticks at either end. Walter Winterbottom wasn't a goalkeeper in his playing career, but no former keeper has ever managed England. Not long before half time Glenn Hoddle lobbed a ball in to the a
rea for Peter Taylor to latch on to, but the unfortunate Martin (pictured right) was first to the ball and his attempted clearance was sliced in to the top corner to leave the dwarf-like Worrall-Thompson helpless in goal. After that the Tossers became frustrated as they couldn't get passed Mercer and Greenwood in defence. Their frustration spilled over and Zilli, Harriott and Martin all received yellow cards and the Gaffers held out for an historic victory.
rea for Peter Taylor to latch on to, but the unfortunate Martin (pictured right) was first to the ball and his attempted clearance was sliced in to the top corner to leave the dwarf-like Worrall-Thompson helpless in goal. After that the Tossers became frustrated as they couldn't get passed Mercer and Greenwood in defence. Their frustration spilled over and Zilli, Harriott and Martin all received yellow cards and the Gaffers held out for an historic victory.The only other non-league side to make it through to round two were the Popsters. James Morrison, Louise Nurding and Darius Danesh scored a goal each to see off Canvas City 3-0. Hollywood Town put their poor league form behind them to record the biggest win of the round. Romano, Barrymore, Depp, Damon and Washington all scored in a 5-1 victory over the Famous Belgians. The influential Adam Sandler picked up an injury after a bad tackle from Eddy Merckx and could be out for a couple of games.
The Sporting Anchors rode their luck against the Sausage Jockeys but came through with a last-gasp injury time goal from Jeff Stelling. Unbelievably, Ray Stubbs, the Anchors keeper, opened the scoring when his goal kick from the edge of his own area carried on the wind before bouncing over an unsuspecting George Michael in goal. The home fans jeered at the former Wham! star for the rest of the match. Will Young pulled the Jockeys back in to it with a headed goal just after half time but Sky presenter Stelling grabbed the late late winner five minutes in to injury time with a scuffed shotl in a goalmouth scramble.
The most incident packed game was between FC Totalitarian and the Indie Kings. German dictator Adolf Hitler scored early on to put the Totalitarians in command. General Pinochet was booked on the half hour mark after his elbow caught Morriss
ey in the eye. This seemed to spark a war of attrition between the two sides and just before half time Bernard 'Barney' Sumner (pictured, left) launched a two-footed tackle on former Philippine president, Ferdinand Marcos. Marcos' leg was shattered in two places and the referee had no option but to dismiss the New Order front man. Marcos will be out for the rest of the season and the best part of next according to the latest reports. The half time break did little to calm down the two sets of players but Chairman Mao added a second against the ten-man Kings. Just 14 minutes later he was also to leave the field on a stretcher after Matt Bellamy went in high on the former Chinese leader. Later, Fidel Castro was lucky not be sent off when he got involved with Indie hard man Mark E Smith. Smith appeared to take a fall (if you pardon the pun) after Castro laid a hand on his head but the referee gave the Cuban the benefit of the doubt.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Crowe Signs for Town
Report by our man with his finger on the pulse of the Fictionball nation... ...Harry Quimm
Crisis club Hollywood Town moved to strengthen their team this week after the double sending off of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston against Sporting Anchors. The Aniston dismissal left them with a major problem as she was the only goalkeeper at the club. Town boss, Martin Scorsese, had already received criticism from some quarters for not bringing in cover for Aniston earlier. However, New Zealand born Russell was available and could be a wise investment by the Los Angeles club, unless of course, his infamous bad temper gets Hollywood in to even more disciplinary problems.
Another player on the move this week is Simon Amstell. After four appearances for the TV Presenters, the midfielder, who has also been approached by Standup United decided to move down a level to play for the Sausage Jockeys. Amstell defended his decision to move out of the Premiership, "The Jockeys are an ambitious club and I'm sure I will be back in the Premiership with them this time next year." Amstell will be available for the non-league club's visit to Sporting Anchors in the Christ Nail Cup.
Crisis club Hollywood Town moved to strengthen their team this week after the double sending off of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston against Sporting Anchors. The Aniston dismissal left them with a major problem as she was the only goalkeeper at the club. Town boss, Martin Scorsese, had already received criticism from some quarters for not bringing in cover for Aniston earlier. However, New Zealand born Russell was available and could be a wise investment by the Los Angeles club, unless of course, his infamous bad temper gets Hollywood in to even more disciplinary problems.
Another player on the move this week is Simon Amstell. After four appearances for the TV Presenters, the midfielder, who has also been approached by Standup United decided to move down a level to play for the Sausage Jockeys. Amstell defended his decision to move out of the Premiership, "The Jockeys are an ambitious club and I'm sure I will be back in the Premiership with them this time next year." Amstell will be available for the non-league club's visit to Sporting Anchors in the Christ Nail Cup.
Week 05 - Fixtures
Saturday 20th September
Actors UK v Newscasters United
Footy Commentators XI v Chat Show Hosts
God Squad v Weatherfield Rovers
Hitchhikers Argyle v Indie Kings
Hollywood Town v Isobar Rangers
Rocking OAP v Real Comics
Sporting Anchors v Pancake Tossers
Standup United v Fulchester United
Steel City v World Leaders XI
TV Presenters v FC Totalitarian
Actors UK v Newscasters United
Footy Commentators XI v Chat Show Hosts
God Squad v Weatherfield Rovers
Hitchhikers Argyle v Indie Kings
Hollywood Town v Isobar Rangers
Rocking OAP v Real Comics
Sporting Anchors v Pancake Tossers
Standup United v Fulchester United
Steel City v World Leaders XI
TV Presenters v FC Totalitarian
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Week 04 - Bush on Fire for World Leaders
US President George Bush put ecomomical crises behind him to bag two goals in an eight-goal thriller between the World Leaders XI and the Real Comics. The Pancake Tossers look like they have the recipe for success as they went top after an impressive 3-0 roasting of the Indie Kings. TV Presenters move up to fourth after a shock victory in the Heavens against the God Squad.
Featured Match: World Leaders XI v Real Comics
Report by Freddie Violence
This mouthwatering prospect had the fans turning up in their droves, and although I don't want to spoil the result for you, they were not going to be disappointed. Both sides had to make changes from their 100% winning line-ups. Homer Simpson picked up a thigh injury in the victory at home to Indie Kings and the Comics, short of full backs, had to put a square peg in to a round hole with Young Ones and Bottom favourite, Rik Mayall, normally a centre half, filling in the left back spot. UK Premier, Gordon Brown, saw red in the win at Fulchester two weeks ago so he had to make way for Kevin Rudd. The Aussie prime minister making his debut for the World Leaders.
The Comics started well with the league's leading scorer, Rowan Atkinson, leading the thin blue line well. After being under the cosh for the first 15 minutes the Leaders came back well and with the fans roaring them on they piled on the pressure. Eventually it was Robert Mugabe who got the break that put them one up. A long punt upfield from Horst Koehler was nodded down by Rudd and Mugabe lashed it past Simon Pegg in the Comics goal. There were chances at either end but with no real indication of the entertainment to come, the first half closed at 1-0.
Half Time: World Leaders XI 1 Real Comics 0
The second half started with a bang with Hugh Laurie tapping in his second goal of the season. However, the Leaders were playing like men possessed at times during this game and it was no surprise when George Bush headed home from a Hamid Karzai corner just after the hour mark. Then a few minutes later, Bush threaded the ball through to Rudd who went on a mazy run before poking it through Pegg's legs. On 77 minutes, Stephen Fry, overlapping with Adrian Edmondson down the right, cut in to the penalty area and smacked an unstoppable shot in to the roof of the net. If you have forgotten the score, it is now 3-2 to the World Leaders XI!
The Comics didn't get where they are today by laying down and letting a bunch of world leaders walk all over them, and Dermot Morgan equalised after 80 minutes to send the small pocket of Comics fans (behind barbed wire fencing in the corner of the ground) crazy. However, the Real Comics dream start to the season was to suddenly turn in to a nightmare. Mayall should have put the ball in to row Z but tried to dribble his way out of trouble. Shimon Peres seized on the ball and squared for Thabo Mbeki to drive home with a minute of normal time to go. With the Comics throwing everyone including Simon Pegg forward, they were caught on the break. Bush and Mugabe surged forward with Pegg frantically trying to get back to his goal but Bush calmly placed the ball in to the empty net from 40 yards to finish the game off.
Final Score: World Leaders XI 5 Real Comics 3
Featured Match: World Leaders XI v Real Comics
Report by Freddie Violence
This mouthwatering prospect had the fans turning up in their droves, and although I don't want to spoil the result for you, they were not going to be disappointed. Both sides had to make changes from their 100% winning line-ups. Homer Simpson picked up a thigh injury in the victory at home to Indie Kings and the Comics, short of full backs, had to put a square peg in to a round hole with Young Ones and Bottom favourite, Rik Mayall, normally a centre half, filling in the left back spot. UK Premier, Gordon Brown, saw red in the win at Fulchester two weeks ago so he had to make way for Kevin Rudd. The Aussie prime minister making his debut for the World Leaders.
The Comics started well with the league's leading scorer, Rowan Atkinson, leading the thin blue line well. After being under the cosh for the first 15 minutes the Leaders came back well and with the fans roaring them on they piled on the pressure. Eventually it was Robert Mugabe who got the break that put them one up. A long punt upfield from Horst Koehler was nodded down by Rudd and Mugabe lashed it past Simon Pegg in the Comics goal. There were chances at either end but with no real indication of the entertainment to come, the first half closed at 1-0.
Half Time: World Leaders XI 1 Real Comics 0
The second half started with a bang with Hugh Laurie tapping in his second goal of the season. However, the Leaders were playing like men possessed at times during this game and it was no surprise when George Bush headed home from a Hamid Karzai corner just after the hour mark. Then a few minutes later, Bush threaded the ball through to Rudd who went on a mazy run before poking it through Pegg's legs. On 77 minutes, Stephen Fry, overlapping with Adrian Edmondson down the right, cut in to the penalty area and smacked an unstoppable shot in to the roof of the net. If you have forgotten the score, it is now 3-2 to the World Leaders XI!
The Comics didn't get where they are today by laying down and letting a bunch of world leaders walk all over them, and Dermot Morgan equalised after 80 minutes to send the small pocket of Comics fans (behind barbed wire fencing in the corner of the ground) crazy. However, the Real Comics dream start to the season was to suddenly turn in to a nightmare. Mayall should have put the ball in to row Z but tried to dribble his way out of trouble. Shimon Peres seized on the ball and squared for Thabo Mbeki to drive home with a minute of normal time to go. With the Comics throwing everyone including Simon Pegg forward, they were caught on the break. Bush and Mugabe surged forward with Pegg frantically trying to get back to his goal but Bush calmly placed the ball in to the empty net from 40 yards to finish the game off.
Final Score: World Leaders XI 5 Real Comics 3
World Leaders
Castro Ruz, Sarkozy, Jintao, Koehler, Berlusconi, Karzai, Bush, Peres, Mbeki, Rudd, Mugabe.
Real Comics
Pegg, Mayall, Fry, Short, Bailey (c), Spikey, Atkinson, Edmondson, Morgan, Laurie, Kay.
Goals: Mugabe (31), Laurie (46), Bush (61), Rudd (67), Fry (77), Morgan (80), Mbeki (89), Bush (90+2).
Bookings: Spikey (67).
Other Matches
While the Real Comics were being beaten by the World Leaders, the Pancake Tossers were taking over the leadership of the Fictionball Premiership with a ruthless 3-0 victory at Indie Kings. The cooks were 3-0 up half time through Madhur Jaffrey, Rick Stein and Ainsley Harriott and that's how it stayed with the Indie Kings managing a spot of damage limitation in the second half. The TV Presenters shocked an off-colour God Squad with goals from Tim Lovejoy and Vernon Kay, and the gods will be angry with themselves as they were playing against ten men for much of the game. Eamonn Holmes got himself sent off after a clumsy challenge on Apollo. Standup United climbed in to the top five after coming back from a goal behind against Steel City. Michael Palin put the Sheffield boys in front on 23 minutes but Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle hit back for Standup.
Sporting Anchors carved out their first success of the season with a 2-0 win at home to nine man Hollywood Town. Brad Pitt was sent off on the half-hour mark; showing a couple of tricks he must have learned in The Fight Club, he laid out Matt Lorenzo in retaliation to a late tackle and was given a straight red. The Anchors took advantage and Andy Gray rolled back the years with a headed goal before Matt Lorenzo rubbed salt in to the Hollywood wounds. Jennifer Aniston then received a red card when she came rushing out to meet Gary Lineker. The former Friends star didn't look like she wanted to be friends with the Match of the Day presenter as she completely missed the ball and upended Lineker. The referee had no alternative but to dismiss the Hollywood keeper.
The Chat Show Hosts slumped to the bottom of the league after a late collapse at home to Weatherfield Rovers. The Hosts had led since half time after an Ali G goal made their half time cuppa taste so sweet. However, Ashley Peacock bagged two late goals for the Coronation Street team to earn them their first win of the season.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Christ Nail Cup - 1st Round Draw
Report by our man on the spot, Lance Spoonbender.
At a glittering ceremony in London's bustling West End, the draw for the first round of the Christ Nail Cup was made. This is the first of two knockout competitions to be competed for by the Fictionball Premiership clubs and an additional 12 non-league clubs. The 32 teams were drawn out by Danny La Rue (home teams) and Vincent Price (away teams).
Real Comics, the current Fictionball leaders, were given a home tie against Steel City. Second placed Pancake Tossers have a tricky away game against England Gaffers who will be keen to provide one of the upsets of the round. The Gaffers are comprised of every manager that has been in charge of the England international football team. God Squad will have to make their second trip of the season to Newscasters United; Hathor scored the winner in a five-goal thriller there in August. The other team that has scored maximum points in the league is World Leaders XI; they have been drawn away to Decomposed Composers. The likes of Chopin, Wagner, Brahms and Liszt will be keen to pit their wits against Bush and the boys.
Fulchester United will not be looking forward to playing their visitors. Serial Killers United have the most awesome and terrifying line up yet. Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Fred West and Pedro Lopez are just some of the players that will be hoping to put one over the Viz cartoon characters. Struggling Sporting Anchors will be hoping the cup brings some relief and they couldn't have hoped for an easier tie than Sausage Jockeys at home. The unfancied team of gays are unlikely to pose any threat to the Anchors with a team made up of Will Young, Matt Lucas, Boy George, Simon Amstell and other such turd burglars.
The full draw is as follows:
Ties to be played week commencing 22nd September 2008
The Christ Nail Cup is sponsored by the Still Band. You can download the excellent album The Christ Nail at the band's website: www.stillband.com
Please note: The views expressed by Lance Spoonbender are not necessarily the views of either the Fictionball Federation, Still Band or this blog, especially the rather crude comments about homosexuals.
At a glittering ceremony in London's bustling West End, the draw for the first round of the Christ Nail Cup was made. This is the first of two knockout competitions to be competed for by the Fictionball Premiership clubs and an additional 12 non-league clubs. The 32 teams were drawn out by Danny La Rue (home teams) and Vincent Price (away teams).
Real Comics, the current Fictionball leaders, were given a home tie against Steel City. Second placed Pancake Tossers have a tricky away game against England Gaffers who will be keen to provide one of the upsets of the round. The Gaffers are comprised of every manager that has been in charge of the England international football team. God Squad will have to make their second trip of the season to Newscasters United; Hathor scored the winner in a five-goal thriller there in August. The other team that has scored maximum points in the league is World Leaders XI; they have been drawn away to Decomposed Composers. The likes of Chopin, Wagner, Brahms and Liszt will be keen to pit their wits against Bush and the boys.
Fulchester United will not be looking forward to playing their visitors. Serial Killers United have the most awesome and terrifying line up yet. Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Fred West and Pedro Lopez are just some of the players that will be hoping to put one over the Viz cartoon characters. Struggling Sporting Anchors will be hoping the cup brings some relief and they couldn't have hoped for an easier tie than Sausage Jockeys at home. The unfancied team of gays are unlikely to pose any threat to the Anchors with a team made up of Will Young, Matt Lucas, Boy George, Simon Amstell and other such turd burglars.
The full draw is as follows:
| Popsters | v | Canvas City |
| Standup United | v | Tory Town |
| Decomposed Composers | v | World Leaders XI |
| Fulchester United | v | Serial Killers United |
| Newscasters United | v | God Squad |
| Hollywood Town | v | Famous Belgians |
| Hitchhikers Argyle | v | Chat Show Hosts |
| Total Wankers | v | TV Presenters |
| Real Comics | v | Steel City |
| Actors UK | v | Walford Town |
| Weatherfield Rovers | v | Pious Athletic |
| England Gaffers | v | Pancake Tossers |
| Sporting Anchors | v | Sausage Jockeys |
| Rocking OAP | v | Footy Commentators XI |
| FC Totalitarian | v | Indie Kings |
| Isobar Rangers | v | Atheist Allstars |
Ties to be played week commencing 22nd September 2008
The Christ Nail Cup is sponsored by the Still Band. You can download the excellent album The Christ Nail at the band's website: www.stillband.com
Please note: The views expressed by Lance Spoonbender are not necessarily the views of either the Fictionball Federation, Still Band or this blog, especially the rather crude comments about homosexuals.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Week 04 - Fixtures
Saturday 13th September (kick off 3pm unless otherwise stated)
Actors UK v Footy Commentators XI
Chat Show Hosts v Weatherfield Rovers
FC Totalitarian v Fulchester United
God Squad v TV Presenters
Indie Kings v Pancake Tossers
Isobar Rangers v Newscasters United
Rocking OAP v Hitchhikers Argyle
Sporting Anchors v Hollywood Town
Standup United v Steel City
World Leaders XI v Real Comics
Actors UK v Footy Commentators XI
Chat Show Hosts v Weatherfield Rovers
FC Totalitarian v Fulchester United
God Squad v TV Presenters
Indie Kings v Pancake Tossers
Isobar Rangers v Newscasters United
Rocking OAP v Hitchhikers Argyle
Sporting Anchors v Hollywood Town
Standup United v Steel City
World Leaders XI v Real Comics
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