Week 03 - Newscasters Hit Chat Show Hosts For Six

Newscasters United notched up their first win in style with a 6-0 hammering of the Chat Show Hosts who also had Parky sent off to make things worse.  Real Comics held on to top spot by the skin of their teeth with a late winner.  The Pancake Tossers are pushing them hard as they saw off Isobar Rangers,  the God Squad made it three wins from three with another 3-2 victory and the World Leaders kept up their 100% record away to Fulchester.

Featured Match: Footy Commentators XI v God Squad

Report by Sebastian Gash

Jonathan Pearce made his first appearance of the season for the Commentators as he replaced the suspended Ian Darke.  Darke was dismissed near the end of his teams 4-1 win at Weathervane Park against Isobar Rangers.  Also sent off last week was Zeus, the main God about town in Greek land, he was replaced by Hotei, otherwise known as the Laughing Buddha and a bit of an all round lucky God.  As if the Gods required any more luck as they sat pretty in the top five of the Fictionball Premiership.

The game started slowly with no indication of the goal action to follow.  Only an early booking for Martin Tyler livened up proceedings when he upended Apollo just outside the penalty area.  From the free kick, instead of going for the shot Monkey lifted the ball over to the unmarked Mercury, but he headed wide.  Then on 14 minutes there was a terrible mix up in the Gods defence when the bearded Bochica sold Loki the Gods keeper short with a poor back pass.  With Pearce bearing down on him, Loki managed to reach the ball first.  However, his sliced clearance rebounded off the unfortunate Monkey and rolled in to the empty net.

The Commentators then had to endure a period of sustained pressure from the Gods with Hathor looking rather dangerous.  But it took the deities 38 minutes to even things up, and it was Mars who got them back on level terms with a delicious half volley from the edge of the area that gave Alan Green no chance.  Now with their tails up the Gods went in front.  Yahweh sprinted down the left and squared to Hathor who placed her shot neatly inside the left post.

Half Time: Footy Commentators XI   1   God Squad   2

As you would expect, the Commentators came out fighting in the second half.  Alan Parry squandered a couple of chances to level and Mike Ingham missed an open goal when it was easier to score.  The Gods haven't quite got their defence sorted and they are always likely to concede goals.  Hotei, in his first game for the Gods, was keen to take his chance and looked lively up front.  He got his reward on 75 minutes when a Mercury clearance fell to him midway in the Commentators half.  He ran with the ball to the edge of the box before unleashing a shot that took a wicked deflection off Clive Tyldsley to leave Green flat-footed.

Their two goal advantage didn't last long though.  King of commentators, Tony Gubba, collected the ball and made a mazy Archie Gemmill type run, beating three defenders before curling a shot in to the top corner.  Despite more pressure the Commentators couldn't force an equaliser.  Guy Mowbray showed his frustration and received a yellow card.  The Gods held out but they will be glad to be on home soil in their next game in a fortnight's time, because their two away games have shown that they can be fragile at the back.

Final Score: Footy Commentators   2   God Squad   3

Teams

Footy Commentators

Green, Motson, Tyler, Helm, Tyldsley, Mowbray, Brackley, Parry, Gubba, Ingham, Pearce.

God Squad

Loki, Atlas, El-Dorado, Bochica, Mercury, Hathor, Mars, Yahweh, Monkey, Hotei, Apollo.

Goals: Monkey (OG) (14'), Mars (38'), Hathor (43'), Hotei (75'), Gubba (76').

Bookings: Tyler, Mowbray.

Other Matches

Rubber-faced funnyman, Rowan Atkinson, made sure Real Comics stayed top of the pile with another two goals against Indie Kings.  His second came in the dying seconds after Pete Doherty looked to have earned the Kings a point.  French chef, Raymond Blanc, bagged a couple of goals against the hapless weathermen (and women) to seal their third win.  Ainsley Harriott had opened the scoring for the Tossers but Ian McCaskill equalised.  But Blanc had the last say with two headed goals.  The World Leaders XI Were comfortable winners at Fulchester.  Mbeki scored twice before half time.  UK premier, Gordon Brown, got himself sent off after a terrible tackle on Johnny Fartpants but Jintao ensured there was to be no fight back by the Viz team.  His cross-cum-shot evaded everyone and left Billy the Fish embarrassed in the Fulchester goal.  Buster Gonad got a consolation goal in time added on.  

Newscasters United ran riot at home to the Chat Show Hosts. It was still 0-0 just before half time but United full back Sally Magnusson followed up a rebound to put them one up.  The Hosts capitulated after the break as Trevor McDonald pounced in the six yard box to score from close-range twice before Michael Parkinson saw red for pulling back Huw Edwards.  Sophie Raworth added another goal on 78 before Assad Ahmad and Edwards piled on the agony for the Hosts.

Sporting Anchors' nightmare start to the season continued with a 3-1 defeat at the Recreation Ground At The End Of The Universe.  Hitchhikers Argyle finally got their first win with goals from Lintilla, Colluphid and Halfrunt.  Gary Lineker was once again the Anchors only shining light with his third goal of the season.

Week 03 - Fixtures

Saturday 30th August 3pm (unless otherwise stated)

Footy Commentators XI v God Squad
Fulchester United v World Leaders XI
Hitchhikers Argyle v Sporting Anchors
Hollywood Town v Actors UK
Newscasters United v Chat Show Hosts
Pancake Tossers v Isobar Rangers
Real Comics v Indie Kings
Steel City v Rocking OAP
TV Presenters v Standup United
Weatherfield Rovers v FC Totalitarian

Week 02 - Atkinson Brace for Rampant Comics

In the second week of the season the two teams of funny men both made it two out of two. Standup United went to Coronation Street and came away with a convincing 3-0 win which sent Weatherfield down to the bottom, while Real Comics went to the summit with an astounding performance at home to Sporting Anchors.

Featured Match: Real Comics v Sporting Anchors

Report by Gordon Gutbucket

The two sides were unchanged from the previous week in this battle of two title favourites. Sporting Anchors were hoping to get their season back on track after their shock defeat at home to Indie Kings while the Comics were keen to make it two wins from two.

The Anchors looked nervous from the very first moment as Kamara gave the ball away from the kick off. Then there was disaster on seven minutes for the sports presenters as Bill Bailey rose high from a Spikey corner to head home unchallenged. The Comics continued to push for another goal, the funny men seem to have an insatiable appetite for goals at the moment, and Hugh Laurie saw his scuffed shot saved by Ray Stubbs between the Anchors sticks.

The visitors fought back with Jeff Stelling trying to inspire his team on. However, the Comics never looked in any danger and soon doubled their lead through Rowan Atkinson. Mr Bean bamboozled the Anchors defence easing past two defenders before coolly slotting the ball inside the near post from the edge of the six yard box. Now the Comics were on fire and battering their opponents and could have been four or five up before half time. Just when it looked like Sporting were going to reach the break at only two nil down, Hugh Laurie sprung the offside trap and kept his cool to make it 3-0.

Half Time: Real Comics 3 Sporting Anchors 0

Sporting coach, David Coleman, had to deliver another inspirational half time team talk that almost saved his team last week, but this time the deficit and the quality of the opposition made it a much tougher task. The early exchanges in the second half were more typical of a friendly game as the Comics looked relaxed and the Anchors stunned. However, normal service was resumed on 64 minutes as Atkinson once again used his rubber-like body to squirm through a packed defence before lashing an unstoppable shot past the bemused Stubbs to make it 4-0.

The game was now over as a contest but Gary Lineker scored a consolation goal on 72 minutes after good work by Stelling. All this did was rekindle the Comics appetite and Stephen Fry linked up well with Dermot Morgan to set up the Irishman for his first goal of the season and to finish the game off at 5-1.

Final Score: Real Comics 5 Sporting Anchors 1

Teams:

Real Comics

Pegg, H Simpson, Fry, Short, Bailey (c), Spikey, Atkinson, Edmondson, Morgan, Laurie, Kay.

Sporting Anchors

Stubbs, Rosenthal, Inverdale, Rider, Keys (c), Kamara, Clarke, Lorenzo, Stelling, Gray, Lineker.

Goals: Bailey (7), Atkinson (33), Laurie (45), Atkinson (64), Lineker (72), Morgan (79).

Bookings: None.

Other Matches

The God Squad didn’t look as impressive or commanding on the road as they did at home last week but they still managed to come out winners in a five goal thriller at Newscasters United. The News readers went in front twice through Dermot Murnaghan and Assad Ahmad but the Gods replied twice through Zeus and Mercury before the Egyptian Goddess Hathor clinically finished off a four-god heavenly move. Zeus was dismissed on 87 minutes for retaliating with a thunderbolt after he was angered by a crude challenge by John Suchet.

General Pinochet completed a remarkable comeback by FC Totalitarian after Steel City had gone two goals ahead. Richard Hawley and Jarvis Cocker put the Sheffield side in to a shock lead and they looked home and dry with 20 minutes to go. Then Juan Peron and Chairman Mao hauled the Dictators back in to the game before Pinochet broke the Steel City player’s hearts with his 90^th minute winner in one of the best games of the season so far.

The Footy Commentators impressed away to Isobar Rangers. After going behind early on they fought back to run out 4-1 winners with Alan ‘Nasal Twang’ Parry grabbing two of the goals. Ian Darke was one of the other scorers but saw red in the 80^th minute after a foul on Penny Tranter earned him his second yellow card. Jo Brand was another player dismissed after a two-footed tackle on Weatherfield Rovers’ David Platt but Standup United still managed to add two more goals to their one nil lead. Frankie Boyle was in exceptional form and scored two of the goals while Rob Brydon added the third to put Standup in third place.

Matchset 02 - 23rd Aug 08
Fulchester United	3	-	0	Rocking OAP
Fartpants (50) (72), Burke (81).
World Leaders XI	4	-	2	Hitchhikers Argyle
Mugabe (18) (67), Peres (45), Jintao (81).				Jennings (17), Halfrunt (35).
Real Comics	5	-	1	Sporting Anchors
Bailey (7), Atkinson (33) (64), Laurie (45), Morgan (79).				Lineker (72).
Indie Kings	2	-	1	Hollywood Town
Bellamy (22), Morrissey (49).				W Smith (61).
Pancake Tossers	3	-	0	Actors UK
Ramsay (Pen) (36), Martin (48), Blanc (66).
Isobar Rangers	1	-	4	Footy Commentators XI
Gibbs (19).				Darke (25), Motson (40), Parry (74) (82). Sent Off: Darke (80).
Newscasters United	2	-	3	God Squad
Murnaghan (9), Ahmad (31).				Zeus (17), Mercury (54), Hathor (79). Sent Off: Zeus (87).
Chat Show Hosts	2	-	1	TV Presenters
Schofield (24), Finnegan (47).				Oddie (Pen) (67).
Weatherfield Rovers	0	-	3	Standup United
				Boyle (62) (83), Brydon (84). Sent Off: Brand (76).
FC Totalitarian	3	-	2	Steel City
Peron (71), Zedong (79), Pinochet (90).				Hawley (48), Jarvis Cocker (57).

Week 02 - Preview

For those of you who can't wait for the next bout of Fictionball action, well, you will have to wait. All the games kick off at 3pm Saturday afternoon. None of the games are televised, Setanta and Sky have both been approached by the Fictionall Federation but no deal has been struck yet.

This week's featured game is Real Comics v Sporting Anchors. The Comics started well last week with a 2-0 victory at Hitchhickers Argyle while the Anchors came unstuck at home to the Indie Kings. Both these teams are fancied to be there or thereabouts at the end of the season so this should be one of the top games of Week 02. Both camps have a clean bill of health and no suspensions so expect unchanged line-ups from last week.

The early leaders, the God Squad, travel to Newcasters United while second placed TV Presenters play bottom team the Chat Show Hosts. The impressive Pancake Tossers entertain Actors UK and fifth placed Standup United visit Coronation Street to play Weatherfield Rovers.

Polish-born Israeli president, Shimon Peres, makes his first appearance for the World Leaders XI against Hitchhikers Argyle. He steps in to the shoes vacated by Pervez Musharraf, who had to leave the club last week. He got the nod ahead of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, which won't go down too well with the Iranian midfield supremo. It looks like there could be trouble ahead there, but while Bush remains the captain, Ahmadinejad could well struggle to make an appearance this season.

The rest of the games this weekend are Fulchester United v Rocking OAP, Indie Kings v Hollywood Town, Isobar Rangers v Footy Commentators XI and FC Totalitarian v Steel City.

Week 01: Results and Scorers

Actors UK	1	-	2	Isobar Rangers
Carlyle (36).				Bett (5), Lear (76).
Footy Commentators XI	0	-	0	Newscasters United
God Squad	3	-	0	Chat Show Hosts
Yahweh (25) (72), Monkey (37).				Sent Off: Anderson (89).
Hitchhikers Argyle	0	-	2	Real Comics
				Kay (Pen) (22), Simpson (63).
Hollywood Town	0	-	2	Pancake Tossers
				Rankin (49), Martin (78).
Rocking OAP	1	-	2	World Leaders XI
Richards (18).				Brown (37), Musharraf (87).
Sporting Anchors	1	-	2	Indie Kings
Lineker (66).				P Smith (26), Bellamy (33).
Standup United	2	-	0	Old Totalitarians
Briain (13), Hitler (OG) (36).
Steel City	2	-	1	Fulchester United
Jarvis Cocker (35), Hattersley (45).				Fish (86).
TV Presenters	3	-	1	Weatherfield Rovers
Holmes (26), Lovejoy (42), Dickinson (77).				Connor (15).

Musharraf In World Leaders Exit

World Leaders XI coach, General Ban Ki-moon, has told Pervez Musharraf that he doesn't have a future at the club. After scoring the late winning goal in the 2-1 win away to Rocking OAP the midfield general will have to look elsewhere for his footballing future. It's not been a good week for Musharraf; just days after been forced out of the presidency of Pakistan, he has effectively been sacked from the Leaders team.

Ban Ki-moon explained that there wasn't an issue with Musharraf's temperament (he had been booked three times during four pre-season friendlies) but that under the terms of his contract he had to be a world leader to qualify for the World Leaders XI. "I would have loved to have kept the boy but the rules of the club forbid me." said Ki-Moon.

Week 01 - Battling Indie Stars Upset Favourites

In the opening week of the inaugural Fictionball Premiership season the Indie Kings shocked the Sporting Anchors on their own patch. Elsewhere, the hotly fancied God Squad went top of the embryonic league table with a routine thrashing of the Chat Show Hosts while the TV Presenters eased to a 3-1 win at home to Weatherfield Rovers.

Featured Match: Sporting Anchors v Indie Kings

Report by Baldy Larsson

The Frank Bough Memorial Stadium was packed to the rafters for the first league match of the season. The Anchors team has been built up by the critics as one of the favourites to be the very first winners of the Fictionball Premiership so there was a sense of excitement amongst the fans. With the likes of Lineker and Gray up front and the bubbly enthusiasm of Kamara in midfield it is fully expected that this team make mincemeat of the likes of today's visitors.

Captain Richard Keys was available after an injury scare threatened to rob him of his debut while the Indie Kings were able to put out a full strength side with ex-Smiths singer, Morrissey, wearing the skipper's arm band.

The first ten minuted passed without incident as the Anchors tried to take the initiative against the cautious Kings. The game livened up slightly when Chris Kamara went in hard on Pete Doherty. The Babyshambles and former Libertines star required treatment on his left cheekbone but soon recovered. The alternative music men took this opportunity to regroup and gradually began to assert themselves and the nimble Doherty had a shot saved by the stocky Ray Stubbs in goal. At the other end Kings' keeper Alex Kapranos was fortunate to escape with a yellow when he bundled in to the raiding Matt Lorenzo. Gabriel Clarke saw his resulting free kick end up in the crowd.

On 26 minutes the crowd were silenced when Doherty slipped the ball through to the impressive Paul Smith; he rounded Stubbs and slipped the ball home to the

delight of the handful of Indie fans in the crowd. The Maximo Park front man's finish was reminiscent of Lineker himself. Muse axeman, Matt Bellamy, is expected to be one of the stars of the league and he doubled the Kings' lead with a poacher's goal on 33 minutes. A long clearance down the channel from veteran Bernard Sumner found Alex Turner unmarked and he immediately lashed a shot in at goal, Stubbs could only parry the ball away and Bellamy pounced for what could be the first of many goals this season.

This stunned the sports presenters in to action but they struggled to find their way past Ricky Wilson and Damon Albarn in the heart of the Indie defence. Doherty was booked for a dive just before half time and it stayed 2-0 to the visitors at the break.

Half Time: Sporting Anchors 0 Indie Kings 2

The Anchors must have had a good talking to from coach David Coleman for they came out all guns blazing for the start of the second half. They knocked on the door several times and Lineker finally pushed it open as he finished off in typical fashion after good work from Jeff Stelling. But just when you thought the comeback was on the cards the Indie Kings shut up shop and saw the game out, much to the frustration of the expectant home crowd. There were a few nervous moments in injury time and Albarn had to haul down Andy Gray outside the box for which he received a yellow card. Lorenzo's curling free kick didn't really trouble Kapranos in goal and the Indie boys held on for a fantastic victory.

Final Score: Sporting Anchors 1 Indie Kings 2

Teams:

Sporting Anchors
Stubbs, Rosenthal, Inverdale, Rider, Keys (c), Kamara, Clarke, Lorenzo, Stelling, Gray, Lineker.

Indie Kings
Kapranos, Sumner, Barat, Wilson, Albarn, M E Smith, Morrissey, Turner, Bellamy, P Smith.

Goals: P Smith (26), Bellamy (33), Lineker (66).

Bookings: Kamara, Kapranos, Doherty, P Smith, Albarn.

Other Matches

The team made up of various deities, the God Squad, are hotly fancied for the title, mainly because they have more power than the mere mortals they are pitched against week in week out. They certainly made their intentions clear with a 3-0 beating of the Chat Show Hosts. It was always going to be a difficult trip for the Hosts; not many coaches, planes or trains go in the direction of the God Squads' ground up in the sky. But at least the visitors were able to catch up with Russell Harty and talk about the good old times, especially that beating from Grace Jones! After that though, it was all downhill as Yahweh's brace and a goal from Monkey brought all three points to the Gods. A missed penalty by Fern Britten and a red card for Clive Anderson compounded the Hosts misery.

Old Totalitarians came unstuck against Standup United; the comedians won 2-0 thanks to Dara O'Briain's opener and an awful own goal by Adolf Hitler as he sliced it past the surprised Franco in goal. The TV chef team, the Pancake Tossers, got off to a solid start away to Hollywood Town. Irish potato slicer, Paul Rankin, scored just after the interval and the Yorkshire Pudding himself, James Martin, headed home to finish off the resistance of the Oscar chasers. On a sour note for the Tossers, Graham Kerr won't be the Galloping Gourmet for a few weeks as his hamstring snapped with 20 minutes to go. Watch out for the Real Comics this season, they took three points from Hitchhikers Argyle with a 2-0 victory. Peter Kay converted a first half penalty after a clumsy challenge on Adrian Edmondson by three-titted full back Eccentrica Gallumbits. Homer Simpson finished off Argyle with a strike from the edge of the box after a Dave Spikey corner was half cleared by Ford Prefect.